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The program for the prestigious venue in Washington D.C. features a fun bilingual production and an improvised Shakespeare troupe. Conspicuously missing from the advertised schedule is Friday's FIFA World Cup draw, likely because it is a exclusively closed-door gathering. Planners likely want to keep out any unwanted guests from gaining entry at what promises to be an overly lengthy, self-congratulatory ceremony where well-paid luminaries will doubtlessly repeat the old cliche that "soccer brings together the world."

An A-List Crew

A glamorous ceremony is set to be emceed by German model-turned-TV presenter Heidi Klum together with small-statured US comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Joining the star power will be gridiron icon Eli Manning on red-carpet duty and actor Danny Ramirez as a roaming correspondent. Together, they will host a ceremony that will undoubtedly have English football fans nostalgic for missing the simpler, unpretentious days of former managers, Sir Bert Millichip, the old draw system and a trusty velvet bag of simple, lottery balls.

Slated to last almost three torturous hours, the show will feature a lengthy agenda of lengthy speeches, saccharine highlight reels, scripted jokes, famous faces, musical turns from artists with perhaps little shame or financial motivations, and then... at last, the actual World Cup draw.

Sporting Legends on Draw Detail

Included in those tasked with conducting the ceremony? NBA legend Shaquille O'Neal, ice hockey icon Wayne Gretzky, NFL quarterback legend Tom Brady and MLB slugger Aaron Judge, all plucking balls under the watchful eye of ex-footballer Rio Ferdinand. Given the considerable, untapped reservoir of charisma exhibited by these ageing sporting legends, short of an uniformed snatch-squad crashing the event, it's difficult to imagine what could potentially go wrong.

In reality, very little, if the tone-deaf justification of FIFA's well-documented World Cup exorbitant ticket pricing offered by an obsequious English yes-man is any kind of gauge. When asked if tickets should be more accessible for non-millionaires, the response was non-committal. "In my view we have to be conscious of that and I think FIFA are definitely an organization that are aware of that," was the statement. "But listen, I think we can look at every industry, every sector, we could have that discussion about things," he added. The suggestion appeared that high prices are acceptable when contrasted with other high-end goods.

The Football Business

With over forty teams already qualified for next summer's jamboree and six more due to join, there will be a real feeling of giddiness once the preliminaries conclude and the actual draw begins. While fans worldwide wait with bated breath to see which three nations their own country will play in the group stages, the suspense pales in comparison to that which precedes the reveal of the winner of FIFA's inaugural award for peace for "people who help unite people in peace through steadfast dedication and notable deeds." Given that the draw is in the US capital and the tournament is mostly in the United States, guesses about the recipient are ripe, even if the hints are there.

"There's no concern at the moment. I was speaking to the owner today. My connection with him is very strong really. I have a real transparent and frank relationship. So regarding my job in that sense I have absolutely no concerns whatsoever" – a statement from a coach with a team in the midst of a five-match winless run, providing a classic remark likely to be revisited if/when a dismissal occur down the line.

Audience Feedback

• "Further to the mention of a potential club named Kevin... there is an exciting Brazilian winger named Kevin at Fulham who cost more than £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be asked to buy a lower league club and rename it after himself."
• "Going to local games in the 80s/90s, when the answer was 'Keith', the reply was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "My reading ceased after nine words. 'Comprised of'! Of what were you thinking? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as unnecessary as an extra official."
• "There is apprehension ahead of FIFA's World Cup draw: just what catchy ditty will certain performers come up with if a certain individual refuses to leave the stage, thereby necessitating an encore?"